The other day Logan randomly came to me and happily recalled how when his grandparents took him to church a while ago, he learned that God is all around us and that he is always with us. I was extremely pleased to hear that he takes to heart what he hears in church, and excitedly agreed with him that God promises to never leave us nor forsake us.
The conversation about God’s presence ended as abruptly as it began, but in the following days I thought about how that statement was true in Logan’s tumultuous seven years on this planet. For such a young child, he has been through so much change. My background in early childhood education taught me about the trait of “resilience” in children, and how resilient children have the internal power to overcome any circumstances that life throws their way. Not all children possess this unique quality, but Logan certainly does.
Although he was very much desired and loved, his little life was not a part of my original plan. At age 20, despite my experience babysitting and nannying, I didn’t know how to be a mom. I wasn’t prepared, ready, or mature enough to handle such a momentous responsibility. Even so, I was also willing to admit my shortcomings and took it upon myself to spend the entire pregnancy researching, reading, and preparing for my new role as a mother. I stood up to the backlash I faced from “Christians” at my church, stood my ground when Logan’s dad tried to break me down and guilt-trip me during the pregnancy, and did my best to provide a safe, loving, nurturing environment for Logan to live in.
When he was about a year and a half old, we tried again to make our little family work. However, his dad wasn’t ready or willing to be a good parent or spouse. After the verbal and physical abuse escalated to the point where Logan was witnessing it, I filed for a restraining order that protected us for a few years. In the following years, Logan dealt with his father being in and out of his life – visitation schedules, a countless parade of visitation supervisors, missed visits, confusion, being let down, and so on. Nothing has been consistent in his relationship with his biological father.
Even our living situation has not been stable. He has lived in my parents’ house, in two different apartments in San Jose, and now in our current house with Daddy. He has lived with and without his biological dad. He has lived with a roommate. We shared a room for years. And for years I slept on a couch while Logan slept in a bedroom by himself. Constant change, and yet nothing has seemed to bring him down.
He has seen me struggle to find a life partner. I haven’t dragged him through a long string of relationships, as many young single mothers do, but that doesn’t mean he never grew attached to any men. He has seen me try to make things work with his biological dad. He has seen me try to make things work in a long distance relationship that grew way too serious, way too fast. And he has watched me navigate my current marriage – all the joy and love that has exploded into our lives since Donnie came around, but also the difficulty as I’ve had to learn to trust and give up some of my authority as the sole parental figure in his life.
Resilience. I am lucky to have a resilient child. He lives, and loves, with his whole spirit. And I know that God is the one that instilled that quality in him. Logan may not have been a part of my plan, but he has always been a part of God’s plan. God formed and created him, God protected him from harm, God blessed him with health and happiness, and God has given him an immense amount of resilience and peace throughout all circumstances.
Logan is living proof that God makes beautiful things out of the dust. He will never leave us nor forsake us.
