- “You look tired.”
She looks tired because she is tired. Her body is already working harder to create and support a new life, and then the majority of her days are spent hunched over the toilet or running to and from any available bathroom. Her body is literally draining itself of nutrients 24/7, so she is running on bare minimums of energy. Not to mention, a typical pregnancy without nausea usually includes some kind of sleep discomfort and/or insomnia, so this adds to the problem. Many hyperemesis sufferers are extremely sensitive to smell too, making personal hygiene difficult to manage. Normal parts of a daily routine like a shower or bath can induce waves of nausea or fainting in a hyperemesis sufferer.
- “Have you tried _______? It totally saved my sister/cousin/best friend from morning sickness.”
The answer is always yes. Yes, she’s tried every saltine cracker, ginger chew, motion sickness band, ginger ale, motion sickness/nausea pill, cold towels, warm baths, dry cereal, crackers by the bedside, essential oil, “preggo pop,” Coca-Cola syrup, and whatever else the latest trend is in curing morning sickness. Unfortunately, nothing works because hyperemesis is not morning sickness. Morning sickness subsides after the first trimester; hyperemesis does not. Morning sickness can be influenced by a number of lifestyle changes; hyperemesis is not. Morning sickness does seem to be treatable by a number of over-the-counter remedies; hyperemesis is not. This is what makes it so debilitating – there is no magic pill or cure for the woman suffering from hyperemesis. While her weight, ketones, and electrolyte levels can be stabilized through medical intervention, there is no one combination that works for every woman.
- “You need to just eat something. Don’t you worry about starving the baby?”
Again, the answer is always yes, so please don’t ask any pregnant woman such a condescending question. A woman becomes a mother from the moment she sees a positive pregnancy test. It is extremely rude to question a pregnant woman’s level of connection to her unborn child. Trust me, every hyperemesis sufferer carries an immense amount of fear about nourishing her developing baby. Thankfully, medical research has proven that a woman’s body will drain itself of its nutrient stores in order to supply the baby with what it needs. Also, there are many medications available now to enable hyperemesis sufferers to ingest enough calories in order to survive and support their growing child. The baby will certainly not “starve,” and although things like IUGR can become a concern in the third trimester, it most certainly is not purposely caused by a hyperemesis sufferer merely being too stubborn to eat.
- “What are you doing? Should you really be eating that? I didn’t know pregnant women can eat ______.”
Let me just say this: Food shaming of any kind should be absolutely forbidden when it comes to a pregnant woman, especially one suffering from hyperemesis. I don’t know the reasons why, but for many hyperemesis sufferers, foods high in fat tend to stay down easier than typically “healthy” foods like fruits and vegetables. Some of the most popular foods I’ve seen on the hyperemesis sufferers Facebook group pages that I’m a member of include: McDonald’s hamburgers, Coke, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, Jello, popsicles, potato chips, French fries, sour candies, chicken strips, and Lunchables. I’m not joking. Also, because dehydration and malnourishment are such a huge factor for hyperemesis sufferers, chronic headaches and migraines can become a problem, and often doctors will suggest some form of caffeine (which is most likely a whole lot safer than popping migraine pills) – so a cup of coffee, a can of Pepsi, or a piece of chocolate might just bring some kind of relief to a woman who spends most of her time vomiting whatever she eats. So please, I beg you, do not under any circumstances ever caffeine shame or food shame a pregnant woman. She is doing her best to sustain herself and is under the close supervision of someone with a medical degree.
- “Why are you complaining? Shouldn’t you be grateful you’re pregnant in the first place?”
Just because there are worse things out there in the universe does not take away a woman’s right to complain or ask for empathy. Would you tell your husband suffering from the flu to shut up because there are people out there suffering from cancer? Would you tell your child battling a stomach virus to stop complaining because there are millions of suffering starving kids in third-world countries? Would you tell your friend that sprained her ankle to stop asking for compassion because somebody, somewhere, had to have his whole leg amputated? Why then is it that people feel the right to ride that high horse and tell a suffering pregnant woman that she needs to stop complaining? She understands that there are thousands of women out there facing horrible tragedies: miscarriage, infertility, birth defects, stillbirth, and more. Why does that take away her right to ask for some simple compassion? Shouldn’t this be the main time in her life when her friends, family, and acquaintances rally around her to support her and she tries to grow and support a new life inside of her? If you’d like to spend a mental moment in a hyperemesis sufferer’s shoes, picture this: having a bad hangover (or, if you don’t drink, having food poisoning) every single day. For up to nine months. If that still doesn’t inspire some hint of compassion, there is something very screwed up in your soul.
I’m choosing to write about hyperemesis gravidarum not to gain more sympathy, because at this point in my pregnancy, I’m well aware of who my support system is. What the hyperemesis community needs most is awareness. Thanks to Kate Middleton, at least the condition is something of public attention, even though she has chosen to keep the details of her suffering private. Hyperemesis gravidarum is a very serious condition that affects a tiny percentage of pregnant women. The more people learn about the condition and how to support someone suffering, the more these women can feel cared for, loved, seen, and validated. And that to me is the most important thing we can give them – our attention.
For more information, please visit the HER Foundation at http://www.hyperemesis.org.
