Let’s face it – breastfeeding is natural, breast is in fact best, and it has countless benefits to both you and baby – but it’s also a giant pain-in-the-butt (or should I say, chest area). Here are the top ten facts that I wish I had known when I first started my breastfeeding journey.
- It will freaking hurt.
There’s no way around it, and plenty of lactation consultants will try to tell you otherwise, but breastfeeding hurts in the beginning, whether you’re a first time mom or a fifth time mom. While it could sometimes be connected to issues with the baby’s latch, or the baby could have a tongue tie or lip tie, it usually just takes a few weeks for the soreness/stinging to go away.
- Scary things might happen to your nipples.
They might crack. They might bleed. They might turn into toothpicks or pepperonis or mini squirt guns. Prepare yourself. Lanolin cream and cold gel packs are miracle workers.
- You will milk yourself like a cow.
Breast pumps – great invention, yet humiliating. There’s nothing like holding two plastic funnels to your boobs, connected to long and awkward tubing, listening to the annoying hum and groan of the pump. I’m 99% convinced mine says “I hate you” over and over. And yet, it’s a small price to pay for making it possible for someone else to feed the baby.
- You will be seen as useless except as a food source.
People love newborns. They’re adorable. They grunt, groan, squeak, smile, fart, hiccup, and yawn, and it’s all fun and games until baby decides he’s hungry. Everyone will fight over who gets to hold the baby, who can coo and oooh and aaah over the baby the most, who is the most skilled baby-whisperer, and who can post the cutest pictures of the baby on Facebook, but once baby starts crying, it’s straight back to Mom! Is the baby being cute and cuddly? Not Mom’s turn. Is the baby smiling in his sleep? Not Mom’s turn. Is the baby wiggling his fingers and toes? Not Mom’s turn. Is the baby snoring or hiccupping? Not Mom’s turn. Is the baby rooting and crying? MOOOOOOOOOM!
Is the baby done eating? Not Mom’s turn.
- Your boobs will inflate like out-of-control water balloons.
It starts during the pregnancy itself, and often the most exciting part of the first two trimesters is when your stomach finally sticks out further than your boobs. But wait until your milk comes in – then it’s another level of crazy. You will feel like you have two cantaloupes attached to your chest. You will spill out of tank tops and bathing suits. None of your old bras will fit. You will not want to wear a bra anyway because, as I said in fact #1, it hurts. You might also ditch shirts along with the bras. You will consider moving to a nudist colony.
- It doesn’t matter what the old saying says, you will cry over spilled milk.
Breast milk is like liquid gold, and pumped breast milk is even more valuable because it means you can finally have a little break from being a cow and somebody else can bottle feed the baby. But, as I said in fact #3, pumping is actually a layer of hell and you will loathe every second those tubes are yanking your nipples back and forth. Storing pumped milk is easy – but taking it out of storage is the hard part. The storage bags are terrible, and you are guaranteed, at some point in your breastfeeding journey, to spill some and/or all of a bag or bottle of pumped milk.
And when this happens, you will cry.
You will cry a lot.
- Breastfeeding causes contractions.
After delivery, you continue to have uterine contractions. No one told me that, so thanks a lot, people. Breastfeeding releases some of the same hormones that bring on labor, so every time you feed the baby in those first few weeks, you will have minor to major contractions as your uterus continues to shrink down to pre-pregnancy size. It’s super fun!
- You might get an infection.
When a plugged milk duct goes absolutely haywire, you might get an infection called mastitis that basically causes your boob to turn red and hot and every time the baby eats, it feels like tiny knives are cutting you. It also comes with the added bonuses of a high fever, chills, and body aches, very similar to the flu. I had it twice with my older son. Word of advice – get the antibiotics right away.
- The baby might not be great at it.
For something touted within the mommyhood communities as so wonderful, blissful, and natural, sometimes it’s a learning curve. Despite what popular books and blogs want to convince you, it’s not easy. Some babies are terrible at latching. It doesn’t matter that your boob looks like a stretch-marked watermelon with a giant bright red pepperoni attached to the front, your baby might not be able to find it. Or your baby might have a weak latch. Or your baby might enjoy latching and unlatching over and over again. Or your baby might fall asleep after approximately 2 seconds of eating, only to wake up every 20-30 minutes in full-on starvation mode, ready to repeat the same process over and over again, all night every night.
The nurses in the hospital are fantastic at breastfeeding trouble-shooting and can spot problems from a mile away, but also be warned that you will be manhandled. They will take your boob, squeeze it like a stress ball, and shove it into the baby’s mouth until he eats properly. They will repeat this process every 3 hours until the baby “gets it.” And you will be so excited about being able to feed your baby, you won’t actually care that a complete stranger is feeling you up every few hours.
- You will feel like the Mother Nature Goddess Queen of the Universe that you are.
I mean, it’s hard to describe a cooler super power than being able to grow a human, but it’s pretty cool that a woman can feed and nourish another human. You realize the innate power within you that allows you to nurture and sustain a tiny, helpless life. The benefits of breastfeeding to mother and baby are numerous (look them up), and you will realize that you harness this huge power within yourself and your body. You will at first feel very self-conscious and modest about the whole thing, and then eventually, you will free yourself from those societal judgments and constraints and you will have no shame in whipping your boob out whenever and wherever your child is hungry (within reason, of course). You will figure out awesome ways of feeding the baby like sneakily feeding the baby in public while using a baby carrier or sling, or allowing yourself to sleep while the baby eats by mastering the side-lying nursing position in bed. You will research things like how you’re setting your baby up for excellent cognitive development, providing a safe and secure attachment, and how your breast milk actually changes over time to meet your baby’s unique nutritional needs.
And that, mama, makes you a rock star.
