It’s hard to believe my sweet little baby has already turned one. The last year has shown me that even if you’ve had a baby before, nothing can truly prepare you for the roller coaster of that first year of life.
Having a baby is at the same time the most joyous part of life and the most terrifying. I vividly remember the doctor handing Roman to me after he was born, gently laying him on my chest and covering him in a warm blanket, and then just kind of letting me figure it out from there. On one hand, I was so relieved to finally hold my little baby (who tried to kill me from the inside) in my arms, knowing all my sickness and pain would soon go away. On the other hand, listening to him cry and cradling his tiny naked body in my arms felt so foreign and scary. Who was this new little person? I didn’t know him yet. And still, despite all the “oohing” and “aahing” all around me, cameras snapping pictures, and doctors hustling and bustling around the room, all I could focus on was his sweet little face, and how much I desperately wanted to give him all the love I had within me.
While I was pregnant, I fell in love with rain, clouds, and sunshine themes for the nursery. Looking back, I think it’s because that’s how I felt for much of my pregnancy. The sickness of hyperemesis rolled into our lives like a thunderstorm, and dark clouds seemed to loom over us for those nine months. I don’t remember the amount of tears I cried, but it was a lot, especially surprising given how severely malnourished and dehydrated I was for most of the time. I spent most of the pregnancy locked up in our master bedroom, unable to handle bright lights and smells. Everything, including my own husband and son, was a trigger for my intense nausea.
The dark clouds loomed overhead. I was forced to quit my job. I had migraines almost daily, was close to passing out any time I got in the shower, and couldn’t stomach anything except lemon wedges and vegetable broth at some points. I ended up on home healthcare, attached to an IV pole in my house 24/7, with a medical pump strapped to my waist administering anti-nausea medicine around the clock. Those powerful medical interventions truly saved my life, and Roman’s life.
Giving birth was a relief from the horrors of pregnancy, but it brought on a new wave of storms. In hindsight, I would never recommend having a baby in the first year of marriage. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and slap my baby-obsessed self back into reality, instead of getting pregnant just a few months into married life. Although we have a solid relationship, bringing a second child into our family was like taking a sledgehammer to our marriage. We didn’t really get a fair chance at starting a life together, before adding a new life to our family.
Still, Roman was a blessing to our lives. His full name means “strong, gift from God,” and it couldn’t be more true. Our precious little baby hasn’t had a chance to experience our lives in a “normal” state yet. However, he has lived through some of our most stressful times as a family. Although we are happy, and we lack nothing, we have also suffered incredible loss in the last year. Yet, Roman is our strong, healthy little baby who brings joy to our lives on the darkest days.
Roman is a silly, loving, high-energy baby. He loves exploring new skills and new places. He adores his family, and at the top of his list is his big brother, who never fails to make him smile and laugh. He treasures both of his grandpas, and is easily comforted by his grandmas. While it can be stressful at times, it’s wonderful for Roman’s sake to always be surrounded by family. He sees his grandparents, aunt and uncle, and cousin on a daily basis, and sees other family every weekend. We are never alone, and there is always a helping hand close by.
I still can’t believe a year has gone by. My tiny 6lb newborn morphed into a full-blown opinionated, energetic, bubbly, talkative toddler in the blink of an eye. I love watching him pick up new skills, and look forward to watching the little person he will become.
Happy first birthday, Roman Mateo.
